The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Non-Jews are for practice
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
