u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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