She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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