Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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