I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize