I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
well you can't waste a boner
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
