every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just want nice things and good sex
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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