he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
