ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
