so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
