You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
