I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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