she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
