At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
