Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
