In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
