just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
