i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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