I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
zippers are such a cool invention
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
