Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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