Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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