You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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