everyone is single if you try hard enough
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
