tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
