swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize