I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
