someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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