I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
