i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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