I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
