I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
