Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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