Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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