is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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