oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
