Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
