Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
