I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
