He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
