Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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