I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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