why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
