barbara walters just said penis...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
