Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
