I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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