I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
