Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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