tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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