Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize