Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
