he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
