Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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