You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
