Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
