I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
