Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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