Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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